The Year of Realizing Things

And the role New York plays (or doesn't play) in my life

Hi pals. Thanks in advance for clicking into my first essay here! Before digging in, I wanted to write a quick note to say that I find a lot of personal essays about New York kind of annoying and cliché. Half of them have a snobby, better-than-you vibe. The other half are romanticized and written in the style of Carrie Bradshaw. (Clearly, I’m all about each and every one of you radiating Main Character Energy — I mean, I just started a newsletter, for God’s sake — but I don’t want this to be self-serving.) This is more of a perspective on identity and how New York factors into mine. If you’re here, you probably already follow my bizarre life on social media, so you might know some of the broader themes, but I thought this was an important place to start to give you more context on who I am, how I think, and what’s going on. Without further ado...

Living in New York City has always been a huge part of my identity. In fact, even before I got there, my teenage years were defined by an intense desire to move there. Between the ages of 13 to 16, I spent summers in the grungy-yet-perfect YMCA on the Upper West Side for dance programs around Lincoln Center, and I decided that I’d do whatever it took to live there one day. During the school day, I was the teacher’s pet and president of multiple clubs, and by night, I was busy being a perfectionist in the dance studio. I didn’t drink. I didn’t date. (Although I’m still salty about one particular boy who never asked me out.) I was just hyper focused on preparing to be a “successful” adult. And in the ten years I lived in the city, I continued on in that quest, and I barely left the island of Manhattan unless work put me on a plane.

Once pandemic lockdowns were lifted and I didn’t rush back from the beach town in North Carolina that I’ve spent the last year enjoying, nearly every conversation I had with friends and colleagues was met with shock, confusion, and/or subtle undertones of disappointment. I didn’t want to come back. Not yet, at least. “Wow, really?!” “I feel like the city is such a big part of who you are!” “Noooo! New York misses you!” At first I was kind of flattered. New York misses little old me? But then I realized I was falling back into my old thought patterns.

This year stripped me of a lot of layers. And I’m not talking about my beloved turtlenecks and Sacai blazers, although I do miss wearing those. As humans living in the 21st century, we tend to put labels on ourselves based on our work, family, living situation, etc. For example, when you meet someone new and they ask you about yourself, you might say where you live or what you do for work. But really… do these things say a lot about you? I personally don’t think they should, and it took me living alone in a small town where I knew no one but a few family members to fully realize this.

My friends are going to make fun of me for bringing up Eckhart Tolle¹, spiritual teacher/author/my imaginary bestie who I talk about constantly, but he writes about this topic in his book, A New Earth. It’s not that it’s problematic to have ambition or want to bring about change in your life, but letting these roles, labels, and things define you and your happiness could be unhealthy. Or as Eckhart says, “You can enjoy and honor the things of this world without giving them an importance and significance they don’t have.” Ask yourself why you want to achieve certain things. Is it solely for the future, because you think something will help you feel better? Happier? More secure? The sentence structure “when I finally [insert something you want to do] then I’d be happy” will be the death of us. This year’s forced pause helped me see that I was on a hamster wheel that I mistakenly thought was headed in the direction of my future. I never let myself look around at the beauty of the present and see that it’s all I ever had. In the words of Eckhart, I was living unconsciously.

With every passing month of having more and more free time in the evenings without social obligations, I tried new things that uncovered parts of me I didn’t realize existed. For example, I love cooking now, which is genuinely humorous if you knew me before this year. I’ve also learned to love running, which again is kind of a joke, especially because I still walk turned out like a duck from my ballet days. I’ve spent more time in nature this year than I have in my entire adulthood, and I have a tan for the first time in my life to prove it, although I still use my favorite Supergoop SPF and already scheduled a check-in with my dermatologist. Would the old me go horseback riding on a vacation? Probably not. Take golf lessons on a Sunday at noon when the sun is beating down? Hell no. These things all sound sort of basic and there’s been some deeper discoveries I would need more time to delicately unpack for you all, but what I’m trying to say is that I’m not so easily defined nor do I want to be. Don’t get me wrong, I still love fashion and beauty and pop culture and all the things, but I loved challenging myself to grow and evolve this year and I hope I never lose this mindset.

The change in environment definitely helped unlock this process for me but location wasn’t the only factor. I know because I tried it in 2017 when I lived in London for five months. I desperately wanted to move abroad because I thought it would make me happier. I was so burnt out from the grind of life in New York that I genuinely thought I could start fresh in a new city. I had it all planned out and absolutely thought it would end in me having kids with British accents. Looking back, although I have no regrets and loved my time there, the whole thing was a mess. I was trying so hard to make something work that was not meant to work. I think I thought I was that same hamster that could be set free, but it was like someone plucked the whole cage up, with me still on the wheel, and moved it to a new home. Nothing changed. Although it was certainly an adventure, I don’t think of it as one of my happier times, and I was shocked that I felt relief coming back to the chaos of New York. This time around on the Carolina coast, it was different because everything went quiet. I had no distractions outside of the news cycle which, frankly, does put a lot of your “problems” into perspective. There was physically nowhere for me to go and nothing to do that allowed me to slip into that unconsciousness, and I had time to explore my own brain. I also spent more time with family than I had in a decade which was the biggest blessing.

New York is still my favorite place in the world. My heart swells every time I recognize a street corner in a movie or get a glimpse of the skyline before crossing the Lincoln Tunnel. Perhaps the biggest honor and the most magical feeling is that, as silly as it sounds, I do feel loved by the city. And honestly, it better fucking love me because I really gave it my all. Blood (blisters), sweat, and tears. A lot of sweat and tears. I don’t regret the late nights in the office because they afforded me the privilege to live somewhat comfortably² in the exact neighborhood I dreamed of living in as a teenager, but I do wish I was more “conscious” during those years. Have you seen any of those TikTok videos of young adults realizing they are real adults living in real apartments and have real jobs? Even after being profiled various times about my career, at 29, I’m just now grasping this concept.

I’m moving back to New York in September because the spark is finally there and I think I’ve had enough time to practice living a sane life that I’ll be able to maintain it despite the triggers that will surround me. I don’t think it’s going to be the same as it used to be but I have a feeling it might be better. Perhaps I can manage to be there and enjoy it without letting it take over my entire body and mind and identity. My amazing subletter who I’m so grateful for is departing so I’ll be back in my Upper West Side hideaway. I have some fun work things going on, some weddings, and also fall in the city is the absolute best. I’m praying that restaurants and bars stay open given the new citywide vaccine mandate (Pfizer gang!) because I really just want to wander around and ~*live life*~ a la Kourtney Kardashian.

So, yes, I’m going to try to live a little more than I used to but also give myself room to just be. I was there for a few weeks this summer and expertly scheduled the most jam-packed social calendar, and it ended up being overwhelming and exhausting. It was almost like a test run — now I know what I need to do for the real thing. I have to say no a lot more often, so thank you in advance to my friends for understanding if I seem hard to reach. I promise I love you. 

I haven’t decided how long I’m going to stay and I’m already thinking about when to come back to the beach once it starts getting cold. I’m grateful to have the ability to try to go back and forth a bit and find a new rhythm, so I’m just going to feel it out. Is it possible for me to not burn out while living and working in New York? I guess that’s the big question. We shall see, but I feel good after this year of ~*realizing things*~. Ok I’m going to stop quoting the Kardashians/Jenners now. Say hi if you see me, especially if you made it this far into my ramblings. It’ll make my day.

In the comments, I’d love to know if any of you have had similar discoveries about yourself this year, even if they’re not related to your living situation. I’d love to learn more about you!

1. I have a deep obsession with Eckhart Tolle. His podcast series with Oprah from back when he was one of her book club selects is something I continuously turn back to when I need grounding. The podcast is a bit easier to digest than the book since Oprah questions him on some of the more complicated topics. Here’s a link to the first episode of the book club that covers chapter one. Prioritize the ten first episodes that cover each chapter! I will talk about Eckhart to anyone who will let me. Literally, I somehow ended up talking to this man at a bar in Steamboat Springs about him (lol), and to my surprise, I discovered he was going to India to hear him speak. He showed me the email confirmation and everything. He also offered to pay for my trip to join him, which was a nice but unnecessary offer, and then we got separated and never exchanged numbers. I forget your name but if you’re out there reading this, feel free to hit me up.

2. Comfortably = on the fifth floor of a walk up. Le sigh.