Tales from a Recovering Perfectionist

Unpacking: Why I’m finally learning to let go

This is random, but I vividly remember learning the word “meticulous” in middle school. It was an oddly satisfying addition to my lexicon because it described me perfectly. Organized and attentive to detail, I was a kid trying to get straight As while simultaneously negotiating with my parents to let me pursue a professional dance career. It was an uncool but decent quality to have at the time, and it turned out to be pretty fruitful when I became a magazine editor. My job was, yes, writing pieces like this one — but more than that, it was monetizing my perfectionism.

Struggling for Easter perfection at age 10

I used to think being Type A was like wearing a really good blazer. Structured. Sharp. Somewhat empowering. But lately the blazer’s starting to feel tight in the shoulders. I’m not sure if I’ve outgrown it or if it’s just been dry-cleaned one too many times, but what used to feel powerful now just feels constricting. Ironically, metaphor aside, I’ve slowly phased out that staple in my go-to uniform.

A lot of key factors in my life are simply out of my hands right now. I try to treat them like part of my to-do list and it’s not working. The chronic hip pain and looming surgery. My softer body, a result of the year-and-a-half off my routine. The fact that my career is in a different state than my significant other’s. My biological clock. The freaking stock market.

Without boring you with every detail, here’s a little more on some of the things I’ve been wrestling with and what I’m learning about letting go.

The Hip

First of all, I’m so sorry so many of you are dealing with hip issues. I’ve gotten more DMs about this than any other topic recently. I hate to laugh, but we have to, right? I know none of us really think of ourselves as full-grown adults but here we are, my friends.

A few years ago, I decided to combat my pandemic boredom with a Couch to 5K app download that turned into my first 10K in Charleston. This whole journey felt very off-brand but also very “me,” in that I was determined to do something and did it. Somewhere in the midst of this journey, I developed severe hip pain.

The day I finally went to the doctor in December 2023, they basically said: Stop everything. Try PT. Wait and see. After multiple periods of rest, awkward-looking exercises, diagnostic injections in various spots, and Barry’s kindly extending the expiration date of my class pack multiple times, I’m just now figuring out what’s going on and what next steps will look like.

There’s a chunk of calcification in my left hip tendon that needs to be surgically removed. Apparently this issue is uncommon in the hip, so there’s some debate about what the best approach is, which is super fun and chill. It’s upsetting but necessary, and totally out of my hands. I can schedule second opinions, dissect my records, call my insurance company a million times, but ultimately, this is not a problem I can out-plan. Also, is there ever a convenient time to be on crutches? I’m learning I just have to breathe and take it day by day and put my trust in the medical professionals.

My Health Stuff

This whole journey has humbled me. Before my hip diagnosis, I was in the best shape of my life and felt so strong and energized, more than anything. When it became clear that the only way to identify the problem was to pause the workouts I was just starting to enjoy, at first I was cool with an excuse for a quick break, but now it’s a bummer. In the meantime, I admit I’ve tried to maintain control of as many aspects of my health as possible, and in some ways it’s working.

One solution I’m particularly obsessed with is Sakara. If I know I’m about to go into a hectic travel or work week, I’ll plan to have Sakara meals delivered so food is one less thing to think about. When I’m really on top of things, I’ll even have Sakara shipped to DC when I’m visiting Alex so I know I’ll have delicious, satisfying, healthy options on hand. You’ve probably seen me post about this brand on my IG Stories in the past but I’m in the midst of the Level II Detox program right now and feel SO good. I deal with bloating issues a lot but hey… according to TikTok, hot girls have stomach issues, right? Not while I’m on this program, apparently. So let’s see how it goes but I feel lighter and more energetic already. PS: The kind folks at Sakara gave me a discount code (KRISTIEDASH, link here) for 30% off their “Signature Nutrition Program” pack which is my usual go-to after starting with the detox. You’re welcome.

Separately, I’ve been meal prepping more consistently which I haven’t been posting about because it’s not usually photogenic, lol. I also swapped running for cycling classes for the first time at Equinox and I’ve become obsessed with some of the teachers, especially in DC (shout out Mark and Lexi).

If I’m being honest though, all of these coping mechanisms have made me realize I have to learn to not only accept myself as I am but be grateful for the health I do have in my life, which is pretty amazing, knock on wood.

The Living Situation

Long-distance relationships are a masterclass in letting go of control, especially when you happen to have an anxious attachment style. I know I’m a nightmare to deal with. Yes to my dear, securely attached partner, I’m sure, but mostly to myself. I want a PLAN. I want ACTION ITEMS. I want UPDATES. I also couldn’t help but be triggered by the whole Paige and Craig ordeal. But my guy, who is somehow both chill and extremely grounded, has helped me realize he’s here to stay even when I spiral for no reason on a random Tuesday. So now it’s just a matter of patience.

I don’t believe in talking about important things until they happen, so stay tuned. For now, all I’ll say is we’re closer than ever to figuring out how to be in the same city for the first time in three years of dating and I’m so excited for that next chapter. While I am not in control of every aspect of this situation, I can control how I react, which is to be ok with the unknown and trust that we are on the same page.

In Conclusion…

Yes, I will still set an obnoxious number of Resy alerts when my sister’s in town because I love a cute little itinerary.
Yes, I will absolutely reread this post five times before hitting “publish.”
Yes, I’m still me.

But I’m also trying to live in a state of unpredictability and flow and I’m pretty proud with how I’m navigating life as a recovering perfectionist. At the end of the day, if you know you’re out of control, you aren’t totally out of control.